September 15, 2003
Today's Quote

Homer: What do ya think, Marge? All I need is a title...I was thinking something along the lines of No Beer and No TV make Homer Something Something..
Marge: ...go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do! (makes crazy noises/faces)

Past Quotes

July 23, 2003
Bart: I'll never find Greta
Canadian Guy: Oh you'll win her back eh? And B, we're closing in 5 minutes.
Homer: Would an American dollar change your mind?
Canadian Guy: Would it? When would you like breakfast, sir?
July 21, 2003
Fat Tony: Now it is time for you to do a favor for us.
Homer: (shocked) You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony! I will say good day to you, sir! (turns away) Fat Tony: (sadly) Ok, I will go. (Exits building) Heyy....wait a minute..
July 10, 2003
Homer: Yo da man Carl! I believe you can fly!
Carl: I'm so sick of everyone assuming I'm good at basketball because I'm African American! (dunks from foul line, breaks backboard) Go Carl, go carl, its my birthday, threepete! You've got mail baby
July 8, 2003
Homer: Goin to church? I thought I could save you some time.
Flanders: Ooh, found a new shortcut?
Homer: Better. I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentaly proved there's no God.
Flanders: (reading proof) Let me see...well...maybe he made a mistake....nope...its airtight...
July 5, 2003
Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor, and its time to snatch her from his claws!
June 28, 2003
Moe: Now meet the man who's gonna bring Moe's into the 21st century.
Foremico: My name is Foremico, the dean of design.
Homer: Hi Foremico!
Foremico: Ah ah ah, my name must never be spoken.
Homer: Sorry (to Moe) He seems nice
June 27, 2003
Island Guy: Why did you think a giant balloon would stop him?
Island Woman: Shut up, that's why!
June 25, 2003
Homer: Woohoo! Go S.U.!
Carl: A&M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts!
Homer: Oh yea? Well you went to a cow college!
Lenny: You're only calling us a cow college cuz we were founded by a cow.(nods triumphantly)
May 14, 2003
Homer: Son, don't ask why, but you have to lose the big race.
Bart: You want me to lose the Springfield Derby? But you always taught me that winning wass everything.
Homer: Oh it is, it is...but we've been pushing that poor horse too hard...
Bart: Maybe, but if Duncan wins the Derby he can spend the rest of his days as a stud!
Homer: Well it is a good life, believe me (laughs) Alright, we'll give it a shot. I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
Bart: Huh?
Homer: I mean...I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
May 7, 2003
Brockman: But the real winners here are Marge's ordourves.
Homer: Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?
Brockman: heh heh, well..
(guy in ear): I guess you could say, its my racket.
Brockman: I guess you could say, I'm Iraqi!
Homer: (gasps) get off my property.
May 4, 2003
Homer: Wow, what kind of mileage does it get?
Wolfcastle: 1 highway, 0 city.
May 1, 2003
Homer: You know, I've had alot of jobs. Boxer, mascot, astronaut, immitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carnie, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western singer, garbage commissioner mountain climber, farmer, inventor, smithers, poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, kwik-e-mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.

April

April 24, 2003
Homer: (making tent out of mashed potatoes) Marge....
Marge: (looks like clown) Yes Homie? do do do do do do(circus anthem)
Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college! (storms out)
Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
April 22, 2003
Homer: I'd like to withdrawl my life savings please, and hurry!
Teller: Uh sir, this a joint account. You'll need your wife's signiture too.
Homer: Oh yes of course...she's uh behind that plant. (goes to plant) Hello Marge.
Homer(marge voice): Hi Homie.
Homer: Sign this please.
Homer(marge voice): You're the boss.
Homer(lisa voice): Daddy, ask the man for some candy.
Homer: No no, no candy for you.
Homer(lisa voice): At least get some candy for yourself.
Homer: heh heh, kids.
Teller: (sighs) Here's your candy.
Homer: So long, sucker! (runs)
Teller: Um sir? Your life savings.
Homer: Ah yes, I see that its in bill form. Excellent.
April 21, 2003
Grandpa: Tennessee Ernie Ford? Now I know you're dead.
Ford: No, you just think I'm dead.
Grandpa: No, you're dead. I was your biggest fan. Look, I clipped your obituary.
Ford: (looks at obituary, gasps, turns to dust)
April 14, 2003
Homer: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Lisa honey. Are you saying you're never gonna eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Oh yea right Lisa, a wonderful, magical animal(laughs)
Bart: I think Lisa is right dad, eating meat is ba-ad. (lisa smacks chop, lands in Homer's mouth) Hey, that's my chop! (both grap chop with teeth and growl)
April 8, 2003
*RALPH DAY #3*
"My ear hurts and my neck hurts, I have two owies"
"Daddy says I'm this close to living on the lawn!"
"And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life."
"That's where I saw the Leprchaun. He tells me to burn things!"
April 3, 2003
Homer: (drunk) Look the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him...(falls off stool)

March

March 21, 2003
Mr. Burns: This was my fiancee, Gertrude. I was working so hard that I missed our wedding, honeymoon, and divorce proceedings. She died of lonliness...that and rabies.
March 13, 2003
Agent: Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty: I thought the Generals were due! He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take the ball! That game was fixed. He was using a freakin ladder for gods sake.
March 5, 2003
Homer: Are you ready to receive professional training in rock?
Wiggum: Have you been awake all night?
Homer: I was so excited I couldn't sleep and I even took some pills I found on the floor and still nothing!
Apu: You took pills you found on the floor?
Homer: Uh huh and now I'm afraid if I stop talking I'll die Isn't Mick cool I was all afraid he'd be like 'I'm a rock star aren't I great' but he's just like you or me or Jesus over there(points at empty corner).
March 4, 2003
Marge: Homer, that crazy lady that lives in our trash pile attacked me again.
Homer: That's not the way she tells it.
Marge: And the school nurse says Bart has the plague!
Homer: Well its like the measles, good to get it out of the way.

February

February 26, 2003
Moe(Claudius): Ok Hamlet, you know the rules, Laertes here gets one practice stab.
Ralph(Laertes): Oh boy! (stabs self in chest, dies)
February 25, 2003
Homer: Why won't anyone give me an award?
Lisa: You won a grammy.
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
Legal Disclaimer: Mr. Simpson's opinions do not reflect those of the producers, who don't consider the Grammy an award at all. February 24, 2003
Band: Be sure to stick around for the battle of the elementary school bands!
Homer: (groans)
Marge: Homer, Lisa's in that!
Homer: I stand by my disappointed groan.
February 22, 2003
Bart: Your honor, may I say something?
Jude Harm: Well it is highly unorthodox...so no!
Bart: Please?
Judge Harm: Oh I can't resist that look. You remind me of me, when i was a little boy.
Bart: (speach)
Lisa: (sniffles) That's my brother.
Snake: Umm...did she say she used to be a dude?
February 21, 2003
Homer: Welcome to the internet my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I am interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiberoptic T1 line. Would you be able to provide an IP router that is compatable with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: (blank look) Can I have some money now?
February 5, 2003
Homer: Got any junk that will go up in value when you die?
Wolfcastle: Right this way...my first weight set.
Homer: (gasps) The weights that changed you from a Bavarian cream puff to a mass of twitchy muscles?
Wolfcastle: (muscles jiggle) heheh..they know you are talking about them.
Homer: I'll take it!
Wolfcastle: Who's up for coconut oil? (muscles jiggle)

January

January 30, 2003
Homer: I'm trying to get a refund for these tickets. Is this the executive office of the ballclub?
Guy: Nope, this is the equipment shed.
Homer: Oh, well is that it?
Guy: That's where we keep the water heater.
Homer: Is..
Guy: That's a tractor.
Homer: I see.
January 28, 2003
Manjula: I have to warn you, Apu does not have very much money.
Lawyer: Are you absolutely sure? Because legally I am allowed to shake him by ankles and see what falls out. Its established in the case of lawyers vs. justice...that was a wonderful day for us.
Manjula: Now, we have 8 children...wil that affect the settlement?
Lawyer: (restained excitement) Perhaps...(starts dancing on desk)
Majula: No offense, but you remind me of the monkey man who slaughtered my family's chickens.
Lawyer: Yes, I get that a lot.
Manjula: I have to think all of this over, I still have feelings for Apu.
Lawyer: I understand....who is Apu?
Manjula: The face of divorce is not as beautful as I had hoped. Perhaps there is another way.
Lawyer: When will you humans learn that your feelings, as you call them, can stand in the way of big cash payoffs? (laughs, and dances on desk)
January 27, 2003
Homer: (stands in front of gym) Gime? What's a gime? (enters) Ohh...a gime.
January 24, 2003
Marge: There I was, having a great time in the back yard, when without warning I was abducted by aliens.
Spaceship": Warning! Warning! You are being abducted!
January 17, 2003
Frink(past): Sure, the Frinkiac-7 looks impressive, don't touch it, but I predict that within 100 years computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger, and so expensive that only the 5 richest kings of Europe can own one.
Apu: Could it be used for dating?
Frink: Well theoretically yes, but, the matches would be so perfect as to eliminate the thrill of romantic conquest.
January 14, 2003
Homer: Ahh, not a bear in sight. The bear patrol must be working like a charm.
Lisa: That's spacious reasoning dad.
Homer: Thank you honey.
Lisa: By you're logic, i can claim that this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Hmm..how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work.
Homer: Uh huh.
Lisa: Its just a stupid rock!
Homer: Uh huh.
Lisa: But you don't see any tigers around here, do you?
Homer: (looks around, thinks) Lisa, I wanna buy your rock.
January 13, 2003
Homer: You've been living like a king on my dollar! Super unleaded gas. Silver bullets?!?
Detective: Early on I was working under the theory that your daughter was a werewolf. Didn't pan out.
January 12, 2003
Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out!
January 10, 2003
Lenny: Geez Homer, I would have thought a guy with two wives would be happy.
Carl: No, you're thinking of someone with two knives.
Moe: (standing with two knives) I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific. hahaha YEA!
January 8, 2003
Bart: Cool! Personalized plates! Barcley, Barry, Barry, Bert, Bort...come on...Bort?
Kid: Mommy mommy! Buy me a liscence plate!
Mom: No! Come along Bort!
Guy: Are you talking to me?
Mom: No, my son's name is also Bort
...later...
Control Guy: We need more Bort lisence plates in the gift shop! I repeat, we are sold out of Bort lisence plates!
January 6, 2003
Homer: You know what made me feel better about myself? That award I got for world's greatest dad.
Bart: Dad you bought that, cuz it was full of gummy worms.
Lisa: And you only wanted those as bait to catch gummy fish.
Homer: Which I did. (eats a piece of fish) mmm....trophy
January 5, 2003
Brockman: And where are the city's snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns, in a veritable orgasm of poor planning.
Marge: This is terrible! How will the kids get home?
Homer: I dunno...internet?

---

December 12, 2002
PBS Guy: Is there a problem, Mr. Simpson?
Homer: Why no, everything is just...(tries to stab him with pen on chain, can't reach) Oh i can't do it, I can't kill a man! (tries to stab in crotch)

December 11, 2002
Skinner: Here to tell you about his job is Bart's friend's dad, Kirk Van Houten.
Mr. Van Houten: How many of your children have gone out to your car, and found a flyer on the windshield?
Nelson: Are you the guy that puts em there?
Mr. Van Houten: No, I'm his assistant. But one time he was sick, and he let me do it. I totally screwed it up....that, that's it.

December 10, 2002
Announcer: Funzo, Funzo, Funzo! If you don't have Funzo, you're nothing!

December 9, 2002
Marge: Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer: (flies through window) Who wants lottery tickets??
Marge: Ok, its in his brain.
Lisa: Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way.
Homer: We were what what in a what what?
Lisa: (sighs sadly)
Homer: Yea, which reminds me, I need a sandwich.

December 8, 2002
Homer: And then the big game between Springfield U and Springfield A&M! I hate Springfield U so much!!
Lisa: You went to Springfield U. You hate A&M.
Homer: So much!!

December 6, 2002
Homer: Brains....brains....use your brains to help us! Your delicious brains...

December 4, 2002
Selma: I guess I'll never have a baby..
Lisa: Aunt Selma this may be presumptuous but have you considered artificial insemination?
Homer: hehehe I dunno you have to be pretty desparate to make it with a robot (marge whispers in ear) I knew that.

December 3, 2002
Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere, beer barron, and I'll find you.
Homer: (softly) No you won't
Rex Banner: Yes I will.
Homer: (softly) Won't

December 2, 2002
Homer: So I've noticed your home smells of feces.
Bushwell: Yes..
Homer: And not just monkey feces either.
Bushwell: Can we talk about something else?